Mom Guilt: Why it's Bullsh*t and How to Give it the Middle Finger
When you bring up the term “mom guilt” women will open up about their story: Working mom guilt, stay-at-home mom guilt, single mom guilt, daycare guilt, household guilt.
There are so many things we can feel guilty about as new moms.
Today we’re talking more about this guilt. We'll discuss where it comes from and how we can work to overcome mom guilt so that we can be more present and confident in motherhood.
Read it: The transcript
Hello and welcome back to that Taboo ABCs of Postpartum!
G is for guilt and we are talking about working mom guilt stay at home mom guilt, bottle feeding guilt, nursing guilt, introverted mom guilt extroverted mom guilt…
You guys, there are so many freaking ways to feel mom guilt.
Many New Moms Feel Guilt
Every single time I talk to a new mom, I hear the word guilty. I feel guilty that ______. Go ahead, fill in the blank for yourself. And then we're going to talk about what to do with this guilt, why we have mom guilt, and how we can overcome it so that we can be more confident and connected in our own motherhood journey. Guilt takes an even bigger toll for many in the family situations during COVID.
For those of you tuning in for the first time, my name is Chelsea Skaggs, I am the founder of postpartum together where we work to help women overcome the pressure to be Pinterest perfect, and to find more confidence, connection and communication and just some freakin joy in their journey, I focus on working with women between three to 10-ish months after baby because listen, as the fog starts to lift, that's when we have all of these feelings and thoughts and ideas, processing all the changes. And it's the perfect time to figure out how we move forward as women as moms and all the things that make up our identity.
So today we're talking about guilt and I want to share with you some of the things I have heard from my clients recently.
As a Mom, I feel guilty about:
-how I'm feeding my baby
- The way I birthed my baby
-Amount of time I do or don't spend with my baby
- I feel guilty for not giving enough of myself to my partner
-Not being social enough
-Because my house isn't cleaned
- For wanting any space to myself and to get away from my family.
All right, so if you've ever thought any of those thoughts, listen, you're not alone. Because these are all things that I have heard from moms just like you recently.
Dealing with whether it's time to night wean your baby or not? Check out this piece I wrote on the topic for Zulily.
4 Ways to Get Rid of Mom Guilt
So let's talk about four ways to get rid of mom guilt. Because sister it's not looking good on you. Just kidding, I just want you to be feeling confident. I want you to feel like you are not behind, to feel like you don't have to live in the world of shoulds and guilts. And I want you to feel that you can be connected and competent in your way of motherhood.
1. Teach your support people how you need to be affirmed and cared for.
Maybe it's that you need someone to notice that the house is clean. Alright, we are going to have to teach our support people to say that or to acknowledge that if that is what makes us feel fulfilled and not feel guilty. Maybe it is that we are feeding in a different way than we expected to talk to your support people about how difficult that is for you. If it's difficult if you're feeling guilt, acknowledge it, talk about it and make a space to say hey, this is actually what I need to help me come back this guilt so we are teaching the people around us how to better support us because the chances are they want to support us.
2. Take a break from the things that make you feel shitty, and cause comparison.
This is often social media or magazines or that trashy ass reality show that you find yourself watching. If you are feeling this ongoing comparison it can sound many ways. Like you just can't keep up with this person or she can do it so easily, or look how good she looks, her house looks, or her kids look then it's causing you some stress and comparison. This then piles right into the feelings of guilt that you have because you're shaming yourself and listen, you can step away, you can turn it off, you can take a break, you can mute whatever it is that you need to serve you so that you're not drowning in this pile of guilt.
3. Honestly reflect on each day and celebrate one win when we are in the throes of postpartum
When the days are blurring together, we're hardly getting a chance to shower. Whatever that looks like for you in those early days, it can be hard to feel like we have done enough or done good enough.
Maybe it's when you're returning to work or you're getting into the stay at home rhythm or you are you know figuring out what you're doing. Social life and friendship and relationships can be tough in this season. It's easy to feel like we're not doing enough because again, that comparison game tells us that other people are doing it better, they're doing it more, they're doing it easier, like they are winning and we are losing. And that makes us feel guilt for not being good enough. So I want you to take time to reflect each day on one win that you've had. And listen, if you've had one win, that is a day worth celebrating.
4. Schedule five to 10 minutes a day to think or feel for yourself about yourself.
Do this so that you can be proactive in your brain, reminding yourself and affirming yourself. Know that you are not dictated by the comparison outside or by what other people think or what other people are doing, but spend that time with you.
Dealing with whether it's time to night wean your baby or not? Check out this piece I wrote on the topic for Zulily.
Is the Mom Guilt Helpful?
Here's the question I want to leave you with:
-What guilt am I carrying that isn't helping me, my baby or my family?
-Next, how will I process that and let it go so that it doesn't have a hold on me?
This takes work, intention and practice.
And if you're looking for a safe space, to process out all the changes of postpartum to put tools and resources into place to have accountability to have connection we are here for it. Check out our next postpartum together small group offerings at postpartumtogether.com/groupcoaching and make sure that you subscribe to this channel (and blog) so that you can get the next videos in the taboo ABCs of postpartum series.