SOS: My Partner Takes Too Much "Me Time" For Himself
When Your Partner’s Hobbies Cut into Your Mental Health: Finding a Solution Together
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling drained and frustrated because your partner’s hobbies leave you handling the bulk of childcare, you're not alone. It’s a delicate balance—your partner says they need their hobbies for mental health, but you also need time to recharge. So how do you handle this situation without resentment building up?
It’s a common scenario: your partner loves to go hunting, golfing, or has another activity that takes them out of the house for a full day, 2-3 weekends a month. On the surface, it sounds innocent enough. But if you're left behind to care for the kids, manage the household, and never get your own chance to breathe, it’s easy for resentment to start creeping in.
Let’s dig into how to approach this situation and find a solution that supports both your mental health.
Recognizing Your Own Needs
First off, let’s get one thing straight—your mental health is just as important as your partner’s. This is not about one of you sacrificing for the other. It's about ensuring both of you get what you need to function as whole individuals and as a team.
If your partner’s hobbies are leaving you feeling constantly drained, overwhelmed, and like you're carrying an unfair share of the load, it's time to recognize that your needs aren’t being met. And it’s not selfish to say so. You need space to recharge, time for yourself, and an equal partnership when it comes to parenting.
Opening the Door to Conversation
Now, let's talk about how to bring this up with your partner in a way that encourages a real solution. Instead of letting the frustration fester, set aside a time to talk—ideally when things are calm, and you can have an uninterrupted conversation. You don’t want to broach this when you’re already stressed or feeling overwhelmed in the moment.
(Use my free Talk Like a Team guide to help you approach conversations the right way!)
Start with an “I” statement to express how you’re feeling. Something like:
- “I’ve noticed that when you go out hunting or golfing on the weekends, I’m left feeling overwhelmed with all the responsibilities at home. It’s starting to impact my mental health, and I think we need to find a way to balance things better.”
Approaching the conversation from your own perspective helps avoid putting your partner on the defensive. It’s about finding a solution, not pointing fingers.
Understanding Each Other’s Needs
One thing I’ve learned in coaching couples is that a lot of conflict comes down to misunderstood needs. Your partner might genuinely feel that these weekend activities are critical for their mental health, and they may not realize the toll it’s taking on you.
This is where open communication comes in. Ask your partner to explain why these activities are so important for them. Do they feel pressure at work? Is this their only chance to blow off steam? By understanding their “why,” you can start to empathize with their needs, while also standing firm in expressing your own.
And on your end, help them understand your perspective too. Maybe it’s not just about feeling like a primary caregiver for those days; it’s about losing your own chance to recharge, which can lead to burnout. When both of you understand the deeper reasons behind each other's feelings, it’s easier to find a compromise.
If you're not GREAT at this kind of communication yet, you're not alone. These are exactly the kinds of conversation I help my client's have in couple's coaching so if this is making you think "That would be nice, but how would we even approach that?" then coaching might be for you!
Setting Boundaries and Finding Balance
Once you both have a clearer picture of each other’s needs, it's time to find a solution. And here’s the thing: balance doesn't mean equal time spent on hobbies or parenting duties each day, but it does mean both partners feel supported and valued.
Here are a few strategies to consider:
- Negotiate a schedule that works for both of you. If your partner wants to go hunting or golfing 2-3 times a month, agree on which weekends those will be in advance. Then, carve out equal time for you to have a break. Whether it's a day at a coffee shop, brunch with friends, or even just some alone time, schedule it with the same level of commitment as your partner’s hobbies.
- Explore alternative schedules. Maybe your partner could golf earlier in the morning, before the bulk of family activities start. Or if hunting is involved, could they limit it to one full weekend day and a few early morning or afternoon outings? The idea is to preserve their mental health time while also considering how to preserve yours.
- Build in regular “you” time. In addition to balancing the weekend outings, make sure you have consistent, planned time for yourself—outside of your partner’s hobby schedule. If every single weekend feels like a marathon for you, that’s a signal you need more regular opportunities to rest, recharge, and refuel.
Reframing Mental Health
Another important part of this conversation is redefining what mental health looks like in the context of your relationship. It's wonderful that your partner recognizes the importance of their hobbies for mental well-being, but the family dynamic has to work for both of you.
Mental health isn’t just about hobbies that take us out of the house—it’s also about finding rest and enjoyment within our family lives. In a way, this is an opportunity to reflect on how you, as a couple, support each other’s well-being within your daily routines.
Could you spend one of those weekend days together, focusing on a family activity that brings joy to both of you? Or could you build more relaxation into your weekly routine so that neither of you feels you need to “escape” the pressures of home and parenting?
Co-Parenting with Intention
Lastly, it's crucial to frame this conversation as one about co-parenting, not just hobbies. If you're left holding the parenting bag on those weekend days, it’s not just about your free time—it’s about having an equal partner in raising your kids. And you deserve an equal partner in raising your kids!
One solution I often recommend is dividing responsibilities in a way that acknowledges each parent’s need for downtime. For instance, could you alternate weekend mornings, where one of you gets “off-duty” time while the other handles the kids? By creating these regular moments of rest for both of you, it’s easier to approach parenting—and partnership—with more energy and patience.
Improving Your Relationship By Improving Your Personal Time and Communication
At the end of the day, this is about creating a balance that respects both your partner’s mental health and yours. Hobbies are important, but they shouldn’t come at the expense of your well-being or the health of your relationship.
By having an open conversation, understanding each other’s needs, and finding a schedule that works for both of you, you can create a solution that leaves both of you feeling supported. And remember—communication isn’t just about talking. It’s about listening, negotiating, and coming up with a plan that brings peace, not resentment, to your relationship.
If you’re still struggling to find balance, or if these kinds of conversations feel overwhelming, this might be the perfect time to reach out for coaching support. Sometimes having a third party guide the conversation can make all the difference in helping you both feel heard and understood.