Touched Out: What Your Nervous System Is Trying to Tell You

We used to fall asleep tangled up.

Now? Even the brush of his hand makes my skin crawl.

It wasn’t about love. It wasn’t about desire. It was my nervous system screaming, "Please, not one more thing."

If you’ve felt this too, like you want closeness, but everything in your body says no, you’re not broken. You’re likely touched out. And it turns out, there’s solid science behind it.

What Does it Mean to Be "Touched Out"?

"Touched out" is a term often used to describe the state of physical and sensory overload and is common for parents, especially moms. When you spend all day being physically needed, touched, and relied upon (whether by kids, coworkers, or a combination), your nervous system can reach a point of shutdown. Even a loving gesture from your partner can feel like too much.

This isn’t about not wanting your partner. It’s about your body not having the capacity to accept more stimulation.

The Nervous System and Polyvagal Theory

So what’s really going on under the surface? Enter: Polyvagal Theory.

Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory helps explain how your nervous system processes safety, connection, and threat. In short, your body cycles through different states:

• Ventral Vagal: Safe, connected, open, and playful.

• Sympathetic: Fight or flight—you’re activated, defensive, and on high alert.

• Dorsal Vagal: Shut down—numb, detached, disconnected.

When your system is constantly pushed to perform, manage, and multitask, it tends to live in those lower states. And in those states, connection—especially physical or emotional—feels overwhelming instead of inviting.

Want a deeper dive? Here’s a great primer on Polyvagal Theory.

Our Story: “Don’t Touch Me” Moments

I remember one night clearly: I had been with the kids all day, overstimulated and overextended. Mike walked in, gently placed a hand on my back, and I flinched. I hated that I flinched. He looked confused. Hurt. And I wanted to explain, but I didn’t have the words.

The truth was: I wanted to be close to him.
I missed him.
But I didn’t have one more ounce of capacity left in my body.

For a long time, we mistook this for distance in our relationship. But once we started learning about the nervous system and how it affects connection, everything shifted.

Research-Backed Truth: It's Not Just About Desire

A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that higher sexual satisfaction and desire in postpartum couples was significantly correlated with lower levels of stress and emotional strain.

Touch aversion isn’t always about the relationship or your partner, it’s about your body needing regulation and recovery.

Coaching Can Help You Regulate and Reconnect

When you’re in fight-or-flight or total shutdown, it’s hard to even want connection, let alone create it.

That’s where our coaching comes in. Our work with couples doesn’t start with "fixing the relationship." It starts with helping each person understand their nervous system, their emotional load, and how to show up with more presence and patience.

When your body feels safer, your connection opens up. When both people can name what they’re experiencing and what they need, the whole dynamic starts to shift.

This is exactly what we do in our relationship coaching program. If you're in that foggy place where love is still there but connection feels impossible, this kind of support can be a lifeline.

Tools to Start Reconnecting

We know that when you're touched out, big sweeping changes aren't the answer. You need something simple, accessible, and low-pressure.

That’s why we created the Reconnection Kit for Couples—a gentle invitation back into closeness. It includes:

• Quick, low-effort connection ideas

• Conversation prompts that don’t require emotional gymnastics

• Activities that help you feel more like teammates again

These aren’t bandaids. They’re nudges. They're a way to build momentum back into your relationship when everything feels hard.

You’re Not Cold. You’re Fried.

Touched out isn’t a personality trait. It’s your body asking for safety, stillness, and space.

As Dr. Porges teaches in Polyvagal Theory, when our nervous system gets stuck in defensive states, it literally keeps us from being able to engage safely in intimacy, presence, and open curiosity.

That doesn’t make you a bad partner. It makes you human.

And there is a way forward.

Start with the podcast episode below. We talk through our own experiences, the science, and the first steps to rebuilding the connection.

Your body isn’t the problem. It’s the messenger.
Let’s start listening.