Why Moms Struggle to Ask for Help (And How to Change This)
Motherhood comes with a heavy load—mentally, emotionally, and physically. But so many of us carry it alone, believing we should be able to handle it all. We compare ourselves to past generations, convince ourselves that “it’s just easier” if we do everything ourselves, and struggle to ask for help—even when we’re drowning.
In a recent episode of Better Relationships After Baby, I sat down with Nicole Buckley, a licensed perinatal therapist and the voice behind Raising Good Parents, to unpack why asking for help is so hard for moms and how to shift our mindset to embrace the support we truly need.
If you've ever thought, I should be able to do this on my own or it's just easier if I do it myself, this post is for you.
Why Is Asking for Help So Hard?
Nicole sees three major barriers that keep moms from asking for help:
1. We’re Socially Conditioned to Do It All
From childhood, many of us were taught that a “good mom” is selfless. Whether it’s seeing our own mothers do it all without complaint, absorbing outdated gender roles, or hearing messages like “moms just figure it out,” we’ve been conditioned to believe that not handling everything ourselves is a sign of failure.
But here’s the truth: Parenting was never meant to be a one-person job. In past generations, moms had more built-in support—family close by, community involvement, and less pressure to “do it all.” Yet today, many of us are parenting in isolation, juggling full-time careers, and feeling guilty when we admit we need help.
2. Anxiety and the Need for Control
Many moms feel an overwhelming responsibility to “get it right.” We want our baby soothed this way, fed this way, and put to sleep this way. It’s not about control for the sake of control—it’s about survival.
As Nicole put it, we get on-the-job training, figuring things out moment by moment. But often, our partners don’t get the same opportunity. Instead, they’re supervised—corrected, critiqued, or even sidelined because “we know best.” Over time, this dynamic makes it harder to trust them with the responsibility, reinforcing the belief that it’s just easier to do it ourselves.
But easier in the moment doesn’t mean better in the long run.
3. Past Attempts to Ask for Help Didn’t Go Well
For many moms, the first time they ask for help is when they’ve already hit their breaking point. And when we’re overwhelmed, that request doesn’t always come out gently—it comes out as frustration, resentment, or exhaustion.
The problem? By then, our partner might feel blindsided, defensive, or even unsure of how to step in. If the response is dismissive or resistant, it reinforces the belief that asking for help doesn’t work—so we stop trying.
The cycle continues.
How to Start Asking for Help (Before You’re at Your Breaking Point)
The good news? Asking for help is a learned skill. It’s not something you just “figure out”—it’s something you practice. Here’s how to start shifting your mindset and getting the support you need:
1. Identify Where Your Beliefs Come From
If you feel guilty or uncomfortable asking for help, pause and ask yourself:
Where did I learn that I should be able to do this alone?
Am I comparing myself to an outdated version of motherhood?
Would I expect my best friend to do this all alone?
Awareness is the first step. Once you recognize these patterns, you can begin to rewrite them.
2. Start Small and Start Early
If you’re expecting or in the early stages of parenting, involve your partner now. Instead of waiting until you’re overwhelmed, make tasks a shared experience from the start—bath time, bedtime routines, even small daily decisions.
For those further along, start with low-stakes tasks that allow for mistakes. Maybe your partner dresses the baby in mismatched clothes—so what? Embracing “different doesn’t mean wrong” can help ease the fear of letting go.
3. Use the ‘Internship Model’
Rather than handing over a task with zero guidance, try co-piloting first. For example, if bedtime has always been your job, do it together for a few nights. Offer tips, answer questions, and then—step back.
Nicole calls this the internship model: A period of learning before full independence. It helps build confidence for both of you and reduces the likelihood of pushback when you do fully step away.
4. Ask Before You’re Frustrated
Instead of waiting until you’re ready to snap, make asking for help a habit. Here’s an easy script to try:
🗣️ “Hey, I’m realizing I’m holding too much. I’d love for us to work on sharing more of the load. Can we figure out how to make that happen together?”
This shifts the conversation from blame (“You never help”) to partnership (“Let’s solve this together”).
5. Let Go of the Idea That Their Reaction Determines Your Worth
Sometimes, when we finally ask for help, we get pushback. Maybe your partner is reluctant or dismissive at first. Maybe they don’t want to change the status quo.
That doesn’t mean you stop asking.
Nicole encourages moms to build tolerance for discomfort—to recognize that your partner’s initial frustration doesn’t mean you’re wrong for asking.
You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to set boundaries. And you’re allowed to ask for support, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Asking for Help Is Self-Care
So often, we think of self-care as something we “add” to our to-do list—massages, yoga, nights out. But real self-care isn’t just escaping the stress—it’s changing the systems that cause the stress in the first place.
Asking for help isn’t weakness. It’s the most powerful thing you can do for yourself, your relationship, and your child.
So if you’ve been carrying it all alone, let this be your permission slip: You don’t have to do this by yourself.
Want to dive deeper? Nicole is hosting a virtual self-care workshop to help moms break free from burnout and build better support systems. Check out the details at https://www.nicolebuckleylpc.com or follow her on Instagram at @RaisingGoodParents
And if you’re looking for more ways to strengthen your relationship after baby, make sure you’re on my weekly newsletter for helpful insights, tips, and real talk about life, love, and parenthood.