Why You and Your Partner Keep Missing Each Other (And How Processing Styles Can Help)
You sit down to talk with your partner, and within minutes it feels like you’re on different planets. One of you wants to talk it through right now. The other goes quiet and pulls back. Before you know it, you’re not even arguing about the original problem, you’re arguing about how you argue.
Sound familiar?
That’s not because you’re broken as a couple. It’s because you and your partner have different processing styles. And after a baby, those differences get louder.
What Are Processing Styles?
External processors talk to find clarity. They need to say it out loud, even if it comes out messy at first.
Internal processors think privately before they share. They need time and space to organize their thoughts.
Neither style is better. Both are valid. But when you don’t recognize the difference, small conversations can spiral into big fights. And also, no one is ALL THE WAY just one style, think of it as a spectrum you are in different spots on.
And after baby? With less sleep, more stress, and more decisions to make, the gap in your styles can feel even wider.
The Clash: When Styles Collide
In our house, here’s how it often looked.
The baby would finally go down for a nap, and I (Chelsea) would unload everything I’d been holding in—laundry piling up, texts from my mom, baby sleep struggles. It all came out at once, because talking is how I sort things out.
Mike would get really quiet. Inside, I was thinking, “Why won’t you talk to me? Do you not care?” Meanwhile, he was thinking, “Which of these 17 things am I supposed to answer first?”
That’s when we’d spiral. I’d get more intense, he’d shut down, and suddenly we weren’t even fighting about the laundry anymore. We were fighting about me feeling ignored and him feeling attacked.
That cycle here, one partner pushing, the other pulling away, has a name. It’s called the demand/withdraw cycle. It’s not because you don’t love each other. It’s because your nervous systems are reacting in different ways.
When Stress Takes Over: Flooding
When stress rises, your body flips into survival mode. Your heart races, your chest tightens, your brain basically says, “Danger!” This is called flooding.
And here’s the catch: when you’re flooded, the part of your brain that helps you listen, stay calm, and problem-solve basically goes offline. Instead, your body is just trying to get through what feels like a threat.
It’s like trying to have a serious conversation while the smoke alarm is blaring in your kitchen. You can try to talk over it, but nobody’s really listening. Until you calm your body down, the conversation isn’t going anywhere good.
The Playbook: 4 Tools That Work
You don’t have to stay stuck in these cycles. Here are four tools we teach couples to help them work with their styles instead of against them.
1. Label + Ask
External: “I need to talk this out for about 5 minutes. I’ll get to the main point by the end.”
Internal: “I need 20 minutes to think. I’ll come back at 8:00.”
This gives your partner clarity in the next steps instead of leaving them guessing.
2. 20-Minute Reset
When you feel flooded—tight chest, racing thoughts, can’t focus—pause. Take at least 20 minutes to calm your body before trying again.
The key: promise to come back. This isn’t avoiding, it’s saying, “I care about this conversation, and I want to do it well.”
3. Bandwidth Check + Code Phrase
Before diving in, ask: “Do you have the energy for this right now? Zero to ten.”
If either of you is under a 5, agree on the soonest time you’ll both have more to give.
Pick a code phrase for when you need to pause—something silly like “giraffe ballet” or simple like “tap out.” The phrase is a promise: we’ll come back to this when we can both do it well.
4. Weekly Check-In
Set aside 30 minutes once a week when you’re not exhausted. Use this time to talk through the bigger things so they don’t keep exploding in the middle of the night.
Post-Baby Curveballs
Parenthood adds a whole new layer. You’re tired, stretched thin, and the decisions never stop. Here are a few hacks we’ve seen save couples:
Sleep rule: No big talks if either of you slept less than 6 hours.
Quick check-ins: 10 minutes after bedtime, one topic max.
Voice memos/notes: Record a thought when you’re too tired to talk; let your partner respond later.
Decision window: For non-urgent issues, agree: “We’ll circle back within 24 hours.”
Closing Thoughts
Different styles aren’t wrong, they just need different approaches. When you know yours and your partner’s, you stop fighting about how you communicate and start making progress together.
And if you’re ready to go deeper, that’s exactly what we do in our 6-week coaching program. We help couples create their own operating agreement, practice these tools, and stop falling back into old loops.
Because your baby deserves parents who feel like teammates and not opponents.
