3 Sneaky Ways You Might Be Self-Sabotaging Your Joy and Connection
Some weeks, we channel our inner tough-love grandma—you know, the one who loves you deeply but also doesn’t have time for your excuses. That’s the energy behind this post, because what I’ve been seeing lately in coaching calls is this: a whole lot of self-sabotage.
And before you start spiraling into shame or guilt, let me say this loud and clear: self-sabotage is so human. It’s sneaky, it’s familiar, and it can look like responsibility or loyalty or selflessness. But when we name it, we get the power to shift it.
Here are three common ways I see smart, caring, hardworking women self-sabotaging, and how to start changing the pattern.
1. You Assume the Good Can’t Last
Ever had a really good day—a magical date night, an exciting personal win, a rare moment of true connection—and then woke up the next day feeling grumpy, off, or flat? You might be brushing it off as moodiness or hormones, but there could be something deeper going on.
This is often tied to what’s known as the Upper Limit Problem (coined by Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap). It’s the idea that we all have a subconscious cap on how much joy, success, and connection we believe we’re allowed to feel. When we go beyond that limit, our brain gets uncomfortable and starts looking for ways to bring us back to "normal."
That might sound like:
“This is too good to be true.”
“Something bad always follows something good.”
“I probably don’t deserve this anyway.”
But here’s the truth: Even good stress is still stress. A peak moment can leave you depleted the next day, not because anything is wrong, but because your nervous system is expanding. Don’t confuse the emotional hangover with failure.
What to try instead:
Let yourself recover after emotional highs without attaching judgment.
Notice when you’re bracing for disappointment—and gently challenge that instinct.
Expand your capacity: you can learn to hold more good, more often.
2. You’re Handing Over Your Power to Your Partner
This one can be tricky because it often comes from what you feel is love. You care about your relationship, you want to be a good partner, and you value their opinion. But if your self-worth is living or dying based on your partner’s mood, approval, or reactions? That’s a red flag.
Here’s how it might show up:
You feel great when your partner compliments you, and worthless when they don’t.
You wait for them to initiate connection, validation, or intimacy.
You shrink your own needs, dreams, or voice to avoid rocking the boat.
This is self-sabotage. Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re outsourcing your confidence. And when you do that, your inner compass gets fuzzy. You’re less likely to take healthy risks, speak up, or prioritize your growth.
What to try instead:
Reclaim your emotional independence: your worth isn’t on trial.
Start tracking what makes you feel proud, grounded, or energized—not just what gets praise.
Create internal rituals of validation: affirmations, journaling, or even a post-it of reminders.
3. You’re Hiding Insecurity Behind “Busyness”
Let’s talk about the classic mom martyr move. The one where you’re so busy with the kids and the calendar and everyone else’s needs that you have zero time for you.
But sometimes? That busyness is a cover. You might be avoiding the discomfort of:
Trying something new (and risking not being good at it)
Putting on clothes that feel awkward after a body or identity change
Entering a new group, class, or gym and not knowing anyone
It’s easier to say, "I just don’t have the time," than to say, "I feel unsure about this and I don’t want to fail."
What to try instead:
Name the real fear behind the resistance. Get honest.
Make one small move towards reclaiming your time or joy this week.
Remind yourself: fear is not a stop sign. It’s a cue for curiosity and courage.
The Tough-Love + Tenderness Combo
I know some of this might sting. That’s okay. This isn’t a lecture, it’s a mirror. And what you see in it? That’s your next invitation.
You deserve a relationship that feels vibrant and real. You deserve time that’s yours. You deserve to hold joy without waiting for the fall to come. But those things don’t happen by chance. They happen by changing the patterns that hold you back.
If you’re tired of circling the same loops, let this be your invitation to shift. You don’t have to do it alone. Coaching is a powerful container for breaking the loops and building something better.
You in? Book a clarity call with me and let’s change the pattern.
You’re a damn good mom. And you deserve to feel like it.
Want more like this?
Grab my free Communication Scripts to help you stop overexplaining, start connecting, and speak in a way that invites your partner to meet you there.
