Mental Load in Motherhood and Relationships: What It Is + How to Share It Better
If you’ve ever felt like you’re the one remembering everything, even when your partner is helpful, you’re likely carrying the mental load.
For years, we (Chels + Mike) didn’t know what the term meant. We just knew we were tired, snappy, and totally disappointed in one another on the regular.
It wasn’t until we learned about the mental load that things started to make sense.
In this post, we’ll break it down for you so you can have language and insight to clean this area up in your own life.
What is the mental load in motherhood and relationships?
A real-life list of things that fall under the mental load
A free Mental Load List Template to use with your partner
A mental load illustration that helped us finally see the problem
And what changed for us when we finally had the words
What Is the Mental Load in Motherhood?
The mental load is the invisible labor — the thinking, remembering, managing, and anticipating — that often falls on one partner (usually moms). It’s not the doing… It’s the tracking, planning, and noticing. It’s annoying because it isn’t usually seen. But, if it goes undone for awhile surely someone will notice. (Or at least you’ll WANT them to notice!)
Even if your partner is doing their fair share physically, you may still be the one:
Tracking doctor appointments
Remembering when the laundry detergent is low
Noticing when your child’s shoes no longer fit
Keeping birthdays and holidays on your radar
The mental load often goes unseen until resentment builds. (Tell us about your resentment in the comments and we’ll send you a helpful resource for it!)
What Is the Mental Load in Relationships?
In relationships, the mental load looks like one partner becoming the default manager, while the other becomes the helper or assistant.
It’s not that your partner doesn’t care.
It’s that they’ve never been conditioned to see it all… and likely don’t realize what you’re carrying.
The other annoying thing about this is that it is totally unsexy to feel like your partner’s manager and it’s unsexy to feel like your partner’s assistant. That dynamic totally kills any intimate connection you might have had.
Mental Load List: Real-Life Examples
Here’s a look at what might be on your unspoken mental to-do list:
Household Management
Noticing when things run low (toilet paper, snacks, batteries)
Creating the grocery list
Remembering which meals the kids will actually eat
Parenting Tasks
Managing school calendars, permission slips, spirit week
Scheduling well-checks and vaccinations
Keeping up with shoe sizes, lunchbox needs, growth spurts
Relationship & Family Life
Planning date nights or babysitter arrangements
Remembering extended family birthdays
Organizing holiday plans
Daily Logistics
Coordinating pickups and drop-offs
Noticing upcoming schedule conflicts
Managing daily routines and “mental prep” for transitions
This is just the tip of the iceberg. And carrying this invisible list — without shared recognition — often leads to deep resentment.
Download the Free Mental Load List Template
You don’t need to carry it all silently.
Use our free Mental Load List Template to:
Make the invisible visible
Identify who’s currently doing what
Start a calm, honest conversation about rebalancing responsibilities
This is the exact list we used when we finally sat down and said: “Something has to change.”
The Mental Load Illustration That Opened Our Eyes
One of the most well-known visuals is Emma’s viral comic from “You Should’ve Asked”, which shows a mom doing all the thinking while her partner “waits to be asked.” Share this with your partner not as an accusation or with that slightly judgy tone in your voice. Use it as a way to open up dialogue about what you’re both thinking and assuming so you can work on a better way!
Here’s a peek at the comic, but we do recommend going through the whole thing with your partner and talking about your reaction to it! You should’ve asked | Emma
Want to Hear the Whole Story?
We talk about this in-depth on our podcast episode:
“We Didn’t Know What the Mental Load Was—But It Was Ruining Our Connection.”
We share:
How we finally learned the term
What shifted in our communication
How we started rebalancing without blame
You’re Not Crazy. You’re Carrying Too Much.
If you're feeling burnt out, overwhelmed, or just “done” with managing everything, you’re not the problem. The load is.
✨ Let this be your invitation to:
Name it
Share it
Start rebuilding teamwork in your relationship
You deserve to feel like a partner, not a project manager. If you want help naming the issues you’re having, getting into the habit of productive conversations that don’t end in tears, and creating systems that support both of you, you’re a great candidate for coaching with us. Book a free call here to talk more about the option and if it’s right for you.
