7 Things Men Can Do to Shift the Patriarchy Today
Let’s be real: conversations around patriarchy can feel like walking through emotional landmines. But here’s the truth, these are exactly the conversations we need to be having if we want to build relationships that are truly grounded in trust, support, and shared humanity.
In my most recent episode of the Better Relationships After Baby podcast, I sat down with Fred Van Riper—a Fair Play facilitator, men’s coach, and fellow advocate for change—to unpack how deeply the patriarchy influences our relationships, and what we can do about it.
Why This Conversation Matters
Patriarchy isn’t just a “women’s issue.” It’s a relationship issue. It’s a human issue.
Too often, when we talk about dismantling patriarchy, it quickly becomes a blame game. Women feel (rightfully) exhausted from carrying emotional labor. Men feel defensive, overwhelmed, or shut down. And nothing changes.
But what if we tried something different? What if, instead of pointing fingers, we pointed to possibility?
“This will be uncomfortable,” Fred said. “But we (men) need to practice being in discomfort if we’re ever going to change things.”
The Invisible Weight Men Carry (And Don’t Talk About)
Fred speaks openly about the conditioning men face to be stoic, to be tough, to provide financially above all else. And yet, underneath that is a very human experience: shame, insecurity, fear of failure.
He explains:
“Defensiveness is often just unprocessed shame. And when men don’t feel safe to explore it, they shut down. That doesn’t make it okay, but it explains a lot.”
Fred encourages men to take ownership not just of their actions at home, but of their inner emotional world.
Not to earn gold stars.
Not to be applauded.
But because it’s the path to genuine connection.
Women: Tired But Still Holding Hope
As I shared in the episode, there was a time I wished I could escape to a women-only island. I was angry. Overwhelmed. And done with explaining.
But over time, I’ve seen glimpses of something better. I’ve seen men stepping up—not perfectly, but honestly. Men who want to be present fathers, emotionally available partners, and humans who are doing their healing work.
Still, I know why women are tired of waiting. And I’m not here to say it’s our job to teach men. But I am here to ask:
What if we allowed space for good men to do the work? What if we didn’t shame them for showing up late to the party, but welcomed them to stay and help clean up?
Real Talk: Steps Men Can Take Today
Fred offered 7 tangible steps for men who want to lead change in their homes and communities:
Reframe what it means to provide. It’s not just money. It's presence, play, and partnership.
Take ownership at home. You're not a helper. You’re a co-leader.
Normalize dad mode in public. Decline meetings for school events. Take the leave. Speak up.
Talk about the mental load. Ask, don’t assume. Discuss what’s unseen.
Disrupt male norms. Call out the “babysitting” language. Push back against toxic jokes.
Repair, don’t just apologize. Learn how to rebuild trust actively.
Build with other men. Stop doing it alone. Community changes everything.
These aren’t giant leaps. But they’re powerful shifts.
We All Could Do This
I’m not interested in surface-level conversations. I’m interested in the gritty, hopeful, awkward-but-worth-it path forward.
Fred reminded us:
“Male suffering is not male innocence. Yes, men hurt. But pain doesn’t mean powerlessness.”
If we want to change the future of relationships, we don’t just need women doing the heavy lifting. We need men stepping into ownership, vulnerability, and community.
And we need to hold space—for the discomfort, for the questions, for the new paths we're forging.
This isn’t just about parenting or partnerships. It’s about creating a world where emotional health isn’t gendered, and where power is shared, not imposed.
