Teaching Our Kids About the Mental Load—Before They Inherit It

Let’s get real for a second.

If you’re anything like me, there are days when the weight of managing your family’s life feels like a second full-time job. Not the job where you clock in and someone thanks you. No, the invisible one where you remember the birthday parties, sign the field trip forms, refill the diaper cream, notice that the bananas are almost gone, and somehow know that your partner's favorite socks are still buried in the clean laundry pile.

That? That’s the mental load. And it’s heavy. But it doesn’t have to be ours to carry alone—or worse, pass down to our kids in the same unspoken way it was passed down to us.

Let’s talk about how we can start teaching young children about the mental load before they grow into the next generation of burnt-out moms and checked-out dads.

What is the mental load, anyway?

The mental load is the behind-the-scenes brain work that keeps everything running. It’s the remembering, anticipating, planning, coordinating, and checking (and rechecking). It’s invisible labor. And statistically, moms carry the bulk of it—even in homes where both parents work outside of the house.

A 2022 Bright Horizons study found that 86% of working moms say they handle the majority of the household and child-rearing responsibilities, compared to only 17% of dads.

But here’s the kicker: most of us were never taught what the mental load even was until we were buried under it.

So, if we want things to shift, the conversation needs to start younger. Not when they’re 30 and overwhelmed. Not when they’re in couples therapy wondering why one person feels tapped out and the other is confused.

Let’s start when they’re 5.

Why it matters to start young

Kids are watching. Constantly. And while they may not yet know words like “emotional labor” or “executive functioning,” they do know who keeps the glue sticks stocked and who always knows where the water bottles are.

Starting early isn’t about burdening kids. It’s about giving them awareness.

Because when they grow up seeing one person always keeping the family afloat, without it ever being named, they learn that’s normal. And they’ll either carry it silently or expect someone else to.

Neither path leads to thriving.

What it sounds like in a kid-friendly way

You don’t need to give your child a TED Talk. Teaching young children about the mental load happens through simple, consistent language and invitations to notice and participate. Honestly it’s less about doing and more about being present with your kids to bring them into the daily grind.

Here’s how that might sound:

1. Name What You’re Doing Out Loud

“I’m making the grocery list and thinking about what everyone likes and what we already have. That’s part of planning for our week.”

This helps them connect the dots between invisible and visible work.

2. Let Them See the Invisible Work

“Before we can go on our trip, I need to pack, but also figure out who will feed the cat and if the weather will be cold. There’s a lot to think through.”

No guilt, no martyrdom—just letting them in on the reality that planning takes brainpower.

3. Invite Problem Solving

“We need to get ready for your friend’s birthday party. What are some things we need to do to be ready?”

Kids love being helpers, and this opens the door to building responsibility without assigning shame.

4. Use Real Words

Use the words: mental load, invisible work, planning, remembering. Even with preschoolers. They’re capable. And when we give them vocabulary, they grow into adults who can talk about it.

What this actually teaches them

This isn’t just about chores or fairness. It’s bigger than that.

When we raise kids with awareness of the mental load, we’re teaching:

• Empathy – They begin to recognize the emotional labor others are doing, even if it’s not loud or visible.

• Accountability – They don’t assume someone else will always do the remembering.

• Partnership – They grow up understanding that being part of a household means shared responsibilities.

• Confidence – When they learn to contribute early, they believe in their ability to figure things out later.

You’re not just raising helpful kids. You’re raising emotionally intelligent, self-aware humans who don’t default to old gender roles or emotional avoidance.

What about age-appropriate expectations?

Now, I’m not saying your 3-year-old needs to handle meal planning.

This is not about turning your kids into tiny adults. It’s about slowly building awareness.

Here’s a breakdown of what this can look like by age:

Toddler (2–3):

• Let them “help” you pack a bag or pick items off the shelf.

• Narrate your thought process: “I’m bringing extra clothes in case we get messy.”

Preschool (4–5):

• Talk about planning: “We’re going to the zoo tomorrow. What might we need?”

• Give them micro responsibilities: Putting their shoes in the bin, helping set the table.

Early Elementary (6–8):

• Let them be part of scheduling or preparing: “We have soccer and dinner tomorrow. How can we make that work?”

• Ask for their thoughts: “What do you think we’ll need for the camping trip?”

Later Elementary (9–11):

• Invite them into shared planning: “Can help me make the grocery list this week?”

• Let them lead part of a task: Packing their own bag, prepping their lunch.

The key is not perfection—it’s participation. Let them try. Let them forget. Let them learn.

And yes, talk about gender

We have to.

Because if we’re not actively disrupting the old patterns, we’re silently passing them on.

Let your daughter know it’s not her job to be the family manager someday unless she chooses it. Let your son know that being a good partner or dad means being aware and involved and not just willing to "help when asked."

Use real-life examples. Point out when TV shows or books show one parent doing it all. Say it out loud. Make it normal to name it.

“I’ll never forget the time my son asked me, ‘How do you always know when everything is?’ And I realized—he truly thought this was just magic. It was a moment I knew I had to start letting him see behind the curtain.”

A few things to stop doing (with love):

• Stop absorbing it all silently – Kids don’t learn what they never see.

• Stop aiming for a smooth, stress-free appearance – Real-life parenting includes showing the hard stuff.

• Stop assuming they’re too young to understand – They’re capable. More than we think.

And a few things to start doing:

• Start naming your tasks out loud.

• Start inviting collaboration—even in small ways.

• Start using the words “mental load” and “invisible labor.”

• Start showing what it looks like to pause, reset, and ask for help.

Raising a Generation Aware of the Mental Load

This isn’t about making your kids grow up faster.

It’s about giving them something we weren’t given: language, awareness, and a healthier model.

If we want to break cycles, we have to start here. In our kitchens. In our cars. At bedtime. With our own kids.

Because someday they’ll be someone’s partner, someone’s co-parent, someone’s teammate. And whether they show up with empathy or ignorance? That starts with us.

Let’s raise kids who know that love isn’t just in the hugs—it’s in the shared mental load.

Want to go deeper?

I offer coaching for couples who are navigating the invisible load, resentment, and rebuilding teamwork at home—especially during the early parenting years. If that’s something you’re feeling the weight of right now, let’s talk.

Because you weren’t meant to carry it all alone.